Lutheran Terminology

This is from an old post on Rev. Paul McCain's blog, Cyberbretheren. Some of it scarily sounds like what is being taught in the ELCA. Some of the rest of it I wish were being taught in the ELCA.

A Brief Lexicon of Lutheran Terminology for the Unlearned

Predestination: What do you think I am, some kind of Calvinist?

Law: Everything that I don't have to do because I'm baptized.

Gospel: The unconditional pronouncement of the forgiveness of sins.

Repent: That thing I never have to do because of the Gospel.

Believe: That other thing I never have to do because of my baptism.

Baptism: A sacrament for only babies that guarantees their salvation after they grow up and quit attending church.

Conversion: When a baby gets baptized. Adults are never converted.

Evangelism: My pastor's job. That's why adults are never converted.

Catechism: Doctrines that I don't know, but my pastor is supposed to teach my kids.

Confirmation: The wonderful day on which a 13-year-old is allowed to receive the Lord's Supper for the first and last time.

Book of Concord: The comprehensive book of everything my pastor believes.

Liturgy: The order of service, which my children are supposed to miraculously learn by playing with toys during the worship hour.

Pietism: The belief that Christians ought to care about obeying God.

Pietist: Anyone more scrupulous about obeying God than me.

Good Works: What makes the Pietists stand out from the real Lutherans. Only done for the purpose of earning one's salvation.

Legalism: Making me feel guilty or obligated to exercise moral discipline.

Papist: Anyone who foolishly believes that the pope speaks with God's infallible voice.

Martin Luther: 16th-century Reformer who spoke with God's infallible voice.

The Bible: A collection of holy books consisting of Genesis 1 and 2, the Ten

Commandments, the four Gospels, and the book of Galatians.

Old Testament: A collection of books that Jews and Calvinists teach their children.

"The Bible is a book for heretics": Common erroneous saying of 16th-century papists.

Revelation: A book for heretics.

Church Discipline: Not a mark of the Church, therefore not required for or practiced by Lutheran churches. We hear that the Pietists are all into it, though.

Pastor: The guy who is responsible for teaching the faith to my children, preaching the Gospel to my neighbor, making our church grow, and making me feel good about myself.

Adiophora: Anything that is left free by Scripture, such as church government.

Episcopal polity: A forbidden form of church government, since Catholics do it.

Presbyterian polity: Another forbidden form of government, since Calvinists do it.

Congregational polity: The only acceptable form of government, since Walther instituted it.

Faith: The belief that what I do is irrelevant to my salvation.

Justification: A legal status of righteousness before God that is achieved by continually reminding one's self that God doesn't care what you do.

---Katie