Can't We All Just Get Along?

Someone I know (whom I usually see two or three times a year) is not speaking to me.  Two of her children have blocked me (and most of my immediate family) on Facebook.  I started it, in their view, by posting articles that portrayed public schools in a negative light.  I did do that, and I do have very negative views about government sponsored and controlled education, but that negativity does not extend to the teachers and others who brave the “system” day in and day out to try to improve the lives of students.   Government schooling is a given in our society, and while I will continue to do all I can to change that, I do not condemn or denigrate those who teach or those who attend public schools.  Teachers, I applaud you!  You do a difficult job (I know, I substitute in your schools!) for, often, very little recognition.  I believe the system is broken.  I believe that free-market, local-control changes in America’s educational system would better your lot and raise your value in the eyes of students and parents.  I like, admire, and appreciate you, and I could talk about the changes I dream of all day, but that is not the topic of this essay.

We just endured a very contentious election cycle.  It certainly did not turn out the way I had hoped, but what I do hope is that people’s relationships survived.  I spent (spend) a lot of time on Facebook.  What I noticed during this election cycle was a level of contentiousness that I have not seen before.  People talked about who they were blocking because they were tired of their incessant political posts.  Friends were quick to make negative, sarcastic comments on friends’ posts that did not line up with their own political beliefs.  After realizing that I was irritating a couple of my friends, I decided to create a political page for my political posts to separate my activism from my friendships.  I invited those who were interested in what I had to say politically to join, and we had a good time.  My niece said I was brilliant!  (Thank you, Lisa!)  What this experience and my current situation with my friends has me wondering is, can our relationships survive our differences in opinions, political and cultural?

We do have many divides in our society, faith vs. no faith, working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, homeschoolers vs. traditional schoolers, and conservative vs. liberal; these are just some of the ones I experience in my own life.  I have always tried to put my relationships on another plane, away from my opinions.  My family is my family and my friends are my friends. I like and respect them, even if I don’t make the same choices they do.  Is it possible to continue to do that, or must we separate ourselves into our own little enclaves where we just hang out with those who are like us and who will not be offended by our sometimes radical opinions?

I think my oldest son would say no, we do not have to separate ourselves.  In fact, I think he would say that it is becoming less likely that we will separate ourselves because we are becoming ever more connected with one another.  We had a brief conversation during his visit in August about how Facebook is facilitating connections between people who have very different views.  He thought it was a good thing, because we are staying connected with people we might not have in a previous era.  He pointed out the variety of people I talk to regularly on Facebook, the many conservative homeschoolers, of course, but also the people from my past who are much more liberal, sometimes irritatingly so, than I am.  There are many in-between types on my friend list as well, and I value all of them and want to stay connected.  How do we do that?  How do we rise above the culture of offense (I’m offended!!!) and continue to love and appreciate one another in spite of our different views?

I agree with my son; it is possible to maintain loving relationships even in the midst of vastly different personal views.  It does take a little self-discipline, grace and humility.  Here are my suggestions:

1)      1)  Grow a thicker skin.  I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it really is ok if someone disagrees with you, even about things you think are very important.  Accept the fact that people you love and who love you will have different opinions and stop being so easily offended.

2)       2)  Don't take things so personally.  It really isn’t all about you. Just because someone says something about your sacred cow, do you really think they are doing it to attack you?  And if you are pretty sure they are targeting you, ask! Many fights can be averted just by clarifying the issue.

3)       3)  Talk with your friend or family member calmly and rationally. Listen to what they have to say.  You might not agree with them, but you might learn something from the discussion.  Don’t go “all middle school girl all over them” and tell them off, block them on Facebook and stop speaking to them. If you value your relationship, talk, and even more, listen.

4)      4)  Separate yourself from the issue.  Closely related to number 2, this gives you the opportunity to ask yourself if you are over-identifying your own self-worth with an issue that people can reasonably disagree about.  For example, I homeschooled my children.  I am, or was, a homeschooler.  I am very happy about that, but I realize that the majority of people don’t  consider homeschooling an option for them and many actively oppose it.  If I was offended by everyone who did not think homeschooling was a good idea, I would spend a lot of time upset and would lose some valuable friendships.  Homeschooling was something I did, it was not who I was.  It would be unproductive to equate someone’s disapproval of homeschooling with a disapproval of me.

If you are someone who likes to post political or potentially controversial things on Facebook or other internet sites, here are some things to consider:

1)      1)  Choose your words carefully in your posts.  There are ways to say things that are clever and insightful without being offensive.

2)      2)  Use selective blocking features when they are available.  If I had known that I could block certain users from certain posts on Facebook, I would have.  Now that I do know, there are certain people I block from my more political posts.  They don’t know what they missed and I avoid offending them.  Of course, I put most of my “likely to offend” posts on my political page, where only those who want to see them get them in their newsfeed.

3)      3)  Be quick to apologize.  Even if you meant no harm, an apology is the start of reconciliation.  A meme I read online says, “Apologizing does not mean that you were wrong; it means you value the relationship more than you value being right.”  This is so true and an apology costs nothing, except for a little pride.  Most of us could do with a little less of that anyway.

4)      4)  Evaluate the importance of a particular relationship versus the importance of the statement you are making.  Are you willing to lose the relationship over your right to state your opinion or pursue your activism? Is it possible to maintain the relationship and agree to disagree? Can you find a way to not be in this person’s face over the issue?

Relationships can be maintained and even grow stronger in the face of disagreement as long as we put our love and value for each other ahead of our pride and our need to be right. “Tolerance” is such a clichéd way to address these issues – what we really need is love, unconditional love for one another. Can we demonstrate that kind of love for one another, even in the face of disagreement? I really do think so, as long as we can be humble and hold our opinions and judgments loosely.  Our friends and our family are important enough to place them above the fray and let them know that we value them – even when we don’t agree.

---Katie